0. I have no idea where the wreath is, but I found a beautiful quilted tree skirt in the hall closet.
1. 3" wide plaid ribbon will make a wonderful bow after I find the wreath.
2. There are a couple of sweet gum trees nearby with the prickly seed pods that my aunt uses dried and spray-painted silver or gold in wreaths, but I doubt the ones on the ground are dry and the ones still on the tree probably aren't either. Also, I have no metallic spray paint.
3. Once I locate both wreath and wire, I might wire a few plastic ball ornaments on because it can't possibly be tackier than some of the wreaths I've looked at online today.
ETA 1749: Vogon found the wreath. I was pleasantly surprised by how swank it is ("ice" on the ends of the needles and pre-lit), but I am so far all thumbs at bowmaking. I picked up a couple of the seed pods outside and they seem to be reasonably dry, but I'll check on the ones I bought in again tomorrow and see how dry they really are.
ETA 1327, 12/7: I posted a photo of the wreath and bow in a new post.