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Dear Juan Antonio Torres,

We've never met, but I know a few things about you.

I know your birthday, social security number, and driver's license number.

I received the notice from the city of Garland last summer about their "warrant roundup" program because there is a warrant in your name there for a 1998 traffic ticket for driving without insurance and/or a valid license.

Earlier this year I learned the exact value of what you owe the city of Dallas in parking and traffic violations; it's almost as much as I owe on my remaining student loan.

Today came the most interesting letter of all: the state of Texas has revoked your driver's license.

I suspect that this does not actually bother you, as you lived at my present address sometime prior to 2001, yet you have apparently never changed the address on your license. Hopefully when you are eventually arrested, the police will get the chance to update your address.

I have no idea who you are, but I suspect we wouldn't get along too well. I am fastidious about paperwork and, well, you've had a license with an outdated address for at least seven years. I do know one thing about prison, though: having your anus pepper-sprayed by a correctional officer after being found in a compromising position with other inmates will not prevent transmission of herpes.


Regards,
oddharmonic

Comments

( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
eilonwy
Apr. 29th, 2008 12:19 am (UTC)
May I ask *how* you know this one thing about prison? Just curious... :D
oddharmonic
Apr. 29th, 2008 12:31 am (UTC)
I know a former correctional officer.
eilonwy
Apr. 29th, 2008 12:32 am (UTC)
Ahhh, that explains it. :)
gynocide
Apr. 29th, 2008 03:14 am (UTC)
:: former correctional officer waves ::
eilonwy
Apr. 29th, 2008 04:14 am (UTC)
::Waves back::

(I figure it can't hurt to be friendly to a former correctional officer, right? :D )
gynocide
Apr. 29th, 2008 04:17 am (UTC)
Nah, I'm an alright human being. I'm hard at work trying to rehabilitate from all of the things the prison world did to me, just ask oddharmonic.
leucotheasveil
Apr. 29th, 2008 12:55 am (UTC)
I love that typewriter guy!!!!!! Awesome icon!
I've gotten all sorts of mail for former occupants.
I mark them up in big red marker "Refused return to sender, addressee does not live here"
usually after 2 or three sent back they stop.
I wonder if he ever lived there, or if he randomly adopted you address for his documents.

oddharmonic
Apr. 29th, 2008 02:57 am (UTC)
I have a mildly obsessive fandom with Sesame Street.

I've sent letters to the state Department of Public Safety twice in the past 2-3 years notifying them that Mr. Torres has not lived at our address since 2001 or earlier. It hasn't made a difference that I've noticed.

Between this mail and a former neighbor that continually put trash under the stairs, I know way too much information than I should about some strangers. At the same time I feel bad releasing that information, so I shred it afterward. A few years ago I filled four 13-gallon bags with paper shreds from a huge box of work-related materials our upstairs neighbor threw under the stairs.
elf044
Apr. 30th, 2008 03:45 pm (UTC)
While I can sympathize, allow me to offer the same advice I keep getting: You're too nice. If the neighbor does not care enough to prevent his important information becomming litter, neither should you.

The childish thing to do would have been to snag a particularly informative piece of trash and post it on the neighborhood bulletin board (over by the mail boxes, in most complexes).

As for Mr. Torres...I wouldn't recommend posting any of his mail. Seems like opening mail addressed to others is a no no...just saying that I wouldn't post it.
oddharmonic
Apr. 30th, 2008 08:36 pm (UTC)
The neighbor that put trash under the stairs moved out. That unit is now occupied by a lovely couple that even clean up after their dog's poop. We couldn't ask for a better neighbor.

When the former neighbor left the giant box of paper under the stairs, I blacked out her SSN on the sheets with them and left them on her door with a post-it note suggesting that she shred material with that kind on information in the future. I did the rest of the shredding just to amuse myself.

I haven't posted any of Mr. Torres' mail, although I had the excused from jury duty letter stuck on my fridge of awhile.
rainingvodka
Apr. 29th, 2008 01:34 am (UTC)
$20 on his having relocated to Mexico . . .
oddharmonic
Apr. 29th, 2008 02:44 am (UTC)
I wouldn't be surprised.

I am mildly annoyed that we're still getting license-related mail for the guy since I have notified the state Department of Public Safety (which issues driver's licenses) twice in the past few years that he hasn't lived here since at least 2001.
gynocide
Apr. 29th, 2008 03:13 am (UTC)
LOLERZ PEPPER SPRAY LUBRICANTS

Second time I smiled today. Rusty got the first one. But thank you.
phoena
Apr. 29th, 2008 03:21 am (UTC)
I do know one thing about prison, though: having your anus pepper-sprayed by a correctional officer after being found in a compromising position with other inmates will not prevent transmission of herpes.

So the officers just do it to amuse themselves?
oddharmonic
Apr. 29th, 2008 03:24 am (UTC)
I believe they were doing it to break up the sexual contact.
phoena
Apr. 29th, 2008 06:48 am (UTC)
I didn't mean it seriously. Just teasing!
gynocide
Apr. 29th, 2008 04:20 am (UTC)
So the officers just do it to amuse themselves?

In the situation she was referring to, no. The state of California has laws that state that inmates are not consenting adults and cannot have consenting sexual relationships. Therefore, when you're an officer and you catch them, you can either use force to separate them and get in to trouble for excessive force OR you can ignore it and hope that nobody accuses you of permitting "prison rape" to go on.
ronimaymac
Apr. 29th, 2008 03:35 pm (UTC)
This letter made my day.

(Thank you, Juan Antonio, for unintentionally annoying funny people.)
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )

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oddharmonic
Melissa, starry-eyed soy-lovin' Expatriated Zulu

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