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I've been thinking -- the first time in a long while -- about what I want to do and what would be best for me and for Laurel. No firm decisions yet, but I'm starting to think that maybe Himself and I would be better off apart than together because we both need to finish growing up and that's really no way for Laurel to grow up. I'm unsure how to feel, because I start to think that maybe I've gotten too comfortable with my brain on auto-pilot and my soul has just gone numb because it's easier than baring it to what's been happening since Laurel arrived.

It's funny how tired one can be without even knowing it. Every night since arriving in St. Louis I've slept soundly and almost dreamlessly, waking only when Laurel is fully awake and protesting that she is in a playpen and wants out/down/bottle. It's oddly empty to sleep alone in a large bed; when Himself works mids I sleep on the couch so there's just enough room for me, but now I go to bed and miss having someone or something to be next to. I think I understand why so many of my single friends have body pillows now. I longed for one when I was pregnant and Himself was in training, but then I had the intermittent pleasure of my best friend coming up once or twice a month and crashing so I'd have someone warm next to me, even if the relationship was platonic.

I never realized how important friends are to me, either. Home with Himself, I only got the chance to talk to most of them when we were online simultaneously and have semi-weekly visits from Chuck and Ken. Recently began considering that they are quickly becoming second in importance only to Lala and my mom in my hierarchy of value... now there's something to chew on. Will write more on this as I get things to be less abstracted in my mind.

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oddharmonic
Melissa, starry-eyed soy-lovin' Expatriated Zulu

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